If there is one stage play which captures the essence of family life in Negros, it will have to be La Casa de Bernarda Alba by the Spanish dramatist, Federico Garcia Lorca.  As if it were not enough that Filipino society is skewed with matriarchal tendencies, this facet of Visayan life is multiplied a hundred times over in the Negros of the century's turn.

Until today, women in traditional DBFs primarily call the shots in terms of domestic, spiritual, and.... financial affairs!  If one were to grab a more recent peg of what I'm talking about, think of Angela Channing in the 1980s hit TV series, Falcon Crest (La Casa de Bernarda Alba may be too far off in the past).  Then again, some blindsided readers may not have been born during the days when Falcon Crest ran every Sunday evening on Channel 7.  Falcon Crest, for those who may not remember, centered around the feuding factions of the wealthy Channing/Gioberti family in the Californian wine industry. The series was set in the fictitious Tuscany Valley (modeled after the Napa Valley) just north of San Francisco.

Different setting Falcon Crest is.  However, in actuality, it's the same cast of characters....it's practically the same plots.... only this time, instead of Tuscany Valley, we're talking of the sugarlands of Negros.  In place of wine, it's the "white gold" known as sugar.

The strong maternal influence is drawn from the Negrense woman or Ilongga achieving dominance over her brood because of any of the following:

1) a premature launch into widowhood
2) an unexpected assumption of tasks and key roles due to the neglect of the husband (philandering included), and/or
3) a mother's impeccable foresight given the large family and all the extensions (or in modern day e-mail terms, attachments)

Yet, long before the matriarch assumed such power, there were "difficulties" which led to her rise.  This post is the first of four parts.  Each part talks about a brave Ilongga's experience and how it led to her awakening.

Let's listen to them....

MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY

Kathy (not her real name), 38 , used to be married to a certified Mama's boy. She already knew that his attachment to his mother would pose a problem later on. But she was madly in love with him that she chose to ignore the signs. Her husband was sweet and caring when they were still going steady. But after they got married, he showed another side of him that gave her years of unspeakable anguish. "He's used to having what he wants.His mother really spoiled him." Kathy shakes her head when she recalls their stormy marriage." I was always the one who compromised , the one who adjusted to his caprices, the one who did all the hard work."

It did not help that they were staying with his parents as they were still saving up for a house of their own (which was actually out of her prodding). Although Kathy has no complaints as far as her in-laws are concerned, she still thinks that it would have been better had they lived in their own house, even if it was in a far corner of the parents-in-laws half hectare compound. "That would have taught him to be responsible. He was dependent on his parents and on me. Since he's the youngest and only boy, he's the 'baby' of the family. He's so demanding and wants instant gratification." What made it worse for Kathy was her husband's habit of telling her that she was not as efficient as his mother. He complained that she's not a good cook and not frugal like his mom. The constant comparision almost drove her to the heights of dementia. Things got worse when his parents left for the States during the sugar crisis leaving them on their own.

Although she finally had a say on how to run their household, Kathy found out much to her dismay that she could not shake off the shadow of her mother-in-law. Blame it on the strong matriarchal tendencies of Negrenses. Not a day passed that her husband did not make her feel that she wasn't as good as his mother. Later on, the emotional and verbal abuses graduated to physical abuse. Kathy had just given birth to their first child when he started hitting her. He wanted her to stop working and be a full time mother to their kid. But Kathy refused as she had a career with a national company based in Bacolod. But the abuses became frequent and she could no longer concentrate on her work. "I was losing my head but before it could happen, I finally decided to end the relationship. I left him even if he was already down on his knees begging me to stay."

But leaving her husband wasn't an easy decision for her to make even if he was abusive. She spent countless nights mulling over her decision. For one, her in-laws were very nice to her wants; and second, her husband adored and was very close to their child. "My in-laws were telling me to be patient and wait for him to mature. But how long can I wait? Our son is so close to him and it pains me to see him crying and looking for his Dad. But having gone through years of abuse, I've had enough and I know I must leave and get my life back."

Part 2 soon....